| all my bags are packed im ready to go |
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| 08:28am 05/02/2004 |
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mood:  optimistic music: singin sad songs...
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this is it folks..
and although everything is gonna b fine and nothing bad is going to happen, just in case the hubby from hell decides to off me at the airport,
I think its time I said that its been fun meeting all of you, and that I really had a great time in london, and if anything happens to me (such are the possibilities)I'll at least die with a grin on my face.
till next I get my sweaty little palms on a keyboard...
salanigahle.
(its zulu for 'stay well') |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| deep breath... |
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| 01:29pm 04/02/2004 |
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mood:  panicpanicpanic music: the buzzing in my head
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Ok, I can do this..no panicking..deep breath.
IDONTWANNAGOBACK!!!!
course yu do...gorgeous ocean, loving mother and gran and brother(who I might add has just broken up with his so and needs you) new place(AGAIN!!!)
Summer..thats a good enough reason?
BUTIDONTWANNAGOBACK!!
ok, tantrum over..i just needed to do that.
capetowns gonna be amazing, just like london was amazing,and ill be back before i know it.
i dont need to panic.i have no reasons to be afraid of anything.
I am SUPERFI!
deep breath!! |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| mixed feelings |
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| 12:37pm 03/02/2004 |
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mood: tearful music: mtv
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yeah, I know that I gotta go home again..but wouldnt it be luverly to just traipse off into the distance and not have to bother about stuff ever again?
NOt that Im considering it..just a fleeting indulgent thought.
Packing my bags today...I had to sit on one suitcase to close it. I decided to just toss some stuff instead, opting to ship some of my extra clothes to the charity shop.
Ive worn the same stuff for five months, its a freaking record.If I dont wear blue again for a while, it'll still be too soon.
My siterin law was lingering this morning, I cant believe how well I get along with er, I think that she is one of the best things to ever happen to our family, and my brother loves her soooo much. He's been with her 9 years now, and still lights up with a love sick grin whenever she walks into the room. Im gonna miss these two so much. Theyre like Calvin and Hobbs...
my mom turns sixty on the 12th, its my first wedding anniversary..and sam just emailed me to tell me that she's just finally decided to tell me that she's bi.
Im in awe of her. She only now told me about all the stuff that she was going through when I went into hiding. She was the first person that I called when i got to the safe house, and she was there 100% for me, through the miscarriage, the depression, me cracking up, and not once, did she even allude to her own crises.I knew something was wrong, because she was getting so thin, but I never imagined that she was in such a crazy situation.
Im so lucky to have her in my life.
Im getting all emotional ..its going to be a tough two days. |
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| bloody hell..its cold.. |
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| 04:09pm 31/01/2004 |
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Just got back from Dover, perhaps not the best weather in the world to have chosen to go to the coast, its so windy that we were getting blown away literally.. |
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| From Khalil Gibran's Sand and Foam |
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| 01:44pm 30/01/2004 |
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I AM FOREVER walking upon these shores,
Betwixt the sand and the foam,
The high tide will erase my foot-prints,
And the wind will blow away the foam.
But the sea and the shore will remain
Forever.
Once I filled my hand with mist.
Then I opened it and lo, the mist was a worm.
And I closed and opened my hand again, and behold there was a bird.
And again I closed and opened my hand, and in its hollow stood a man with a sad face, turned upward.
And again I closed my hand, and when I opened it there was naught but mist.
But I heard a song of exceeding sweetness.
It was but yesterday I thought myself a fragment quivering without rhythm in the sphere of life.
Now I know that I am the sphere, and all life in rhythmic fragments moves within me.
They say to me in their awakening, "You and the world you live in are but a grain of sand upon the infinite shore of an infinite sea."
And in my dream I say to them, "I am the infinite sea, and all worlds are but grains of sand upon my shore." |
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| Ok, I may not be feeling jittery, |
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| 11:43am 30/01/2004 |
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mood: hopeful
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But I have stopped sleeping.Which means lots of reruns of everything on Tv, and pretending to be asleep so that I can fool my body into thinking it slept.Its my last weekend in London..for a looong while.I know that its gonna take at least a year before I can afford to get my work permit and airfare back, and who knows..by then I may have decided to go to Canada instead.
regardless, next week this time, I shall be looking out over smoggy skies of Johannessberg, waiting for my connecting flight to Cape Town.
I'll arrive there just in time to watch my first atlantic sunset ever.. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| 03:42pm 29/01/2004 |
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I have exactly a week till I fly home. Why am I not feeling panicky, fidgity, and anxious?
Why did I just check my soon to be ex-husband's horoscope?
Why can't I remember what my Mom looks like?
Ah, lifes big questions..... (muse..) |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| 01:17pm 29/01/2004 |
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I had the most awful dream last night. Of people hanging from meathooks, and being disemboweled.
No more Buffy, Angel, Jack the Ripper specials, and Gothica.
And no more cheese and pickle combo's before bed. |
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| 08:35pm 28/01/2004 |
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Ive got to stop watching Everwood.
It reminds me of my dad, evil bastard that he is, and also reminds me that perhaps in all my youthful exhuberance, I was too hard on him, and never took the time to get to know him. Perhaps I'm getting soft. I don't even like him. I don't miss him. I really don't want to spen time around him. I think watching Ephram getting to know Andy is just getting to me, because Andy is doing what my Dad never did. There are too many unanswered questions, too any times when instead of facing us like a man, he turned and walked away, preferring the more pleasant company of other people's kids.
Watching E today, brought it home with a resounding thump. I'm still very angry with him, and I still want answers. I guess we cant always get what we want.I'll have to reconcile myself to that somehow, knowing that the moment has passed, and I have to cauterize the wound and move on. |
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| snow again |
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| 05:50pm 28/01/2004 |
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its snowing fast and heavy!!!!lots of it..gotta go to the park in the morning.. |
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| 04:55pm 28/01/2004 |
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I dreamed of my dad last night. It odd, i havent given him much thought in the last few months, as though he doesnt exist anymore. I wonder if Ive finally forgiven myself for being his daughter?
In the dream, I was still as careless of him as I usually am, and it was a hollow feeling. Like nobody's victory.I am glad that I will never need to see him ever again. I think that he is evil.
so many endings... I have made my peace with them all now. He was the last one.
Im ready to face home again. |
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| Snow!!! |
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| 12:36pm 28/01/2004 |
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mood: chipper music: aria on air
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yay, 'an for a whole three minutes too...I watched a fox walk carefully along the neighbours back wall, and thought..OMG! what a kodak moment, lemme go get the camera....only I was so enchanted by the little fuzzy bits flying all over the place and the oh so english fox traipsing along the old brick wall(quaint or what?) that I stuck around long enough to watch the fox take a crap on that pretty brick wall.
that was just so a Fi moment...!! reminds me that most of my kodack moments have been taking the crap out of life anyway..
Good news though..I can breathe today!! No tight chest, no gasping, Oh joy!! |
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| another day, another cup of ginger tea |
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| 12:29pm 27/01/2004 |
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Fave discriptive word for ginger tea...eeeuuuww!
I feel Baaaad. and lazy, and miserable.Physically at least.
Mentally Im raring to go.spirit willing body weak or summat to that effect anyway. oh and jenny is back on good food live.yay!What will I do without daytime Tv I wonder...?
I gotta figure ou a diet without dairy in it..
any suggestions? Apparantly dairy is bad for asthmatics..so i figured Id try that for a while and see if it helped. |
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| i just got a call |
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| 07:19pm 26/01/2004 |
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theres this guy..
an old friend..........
who has this thing for me..............
Im just so not ready to face this right now, and I dont want to crush him either...I told him that the people who love me are usually very stupid, because i harm them more than they know..but he doesnt want to listen...........Im not even divorced yet!!!!!!!
why do I keep finding these phychos?
what is wrong with them? |
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| times running out |
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| 12:41pm 26/01/2004 |
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mood:  sore music: norah jones
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another week closer to going home. I fly out next Thursday...!So in true Fi form, I had to get sick just before I leave so there will be no last blast party before I leave...Flipping annoying.
My asthma is worse than ever, and it hurts to breathe, and it also means no long jaunts around for a bit.I hate it, getting out of breath just getting out of bed.
On the other hand Im so excited to be going back.
I know that its going to be different, and although I will never be a capetonian at heart,at least its my home country.
My mom says that I will have to go the regional court in Durban to finalise my divorce application. God willing it will be the closest that I ever have to get to home ever again.Ive decided that nothing is ever going to make me afraid ever again.Not HIM, not anything that life tosses my way.Ive found my peace with the world again, and I wont lose that if I face my fear.
So its a new beginning. And after that, Ill draw straws, and decide where to go to next...The world is a large and exciting destination... |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| A prayer |
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| 11:03am 23/01/2004 |
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Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them.
Let me not beg for te stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it,
Let me not look for allies in life's battlefield, but to my own strength.
Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved, but hope for the patience to win my freedom.
Grant that I may not be a coward, feeling a greater mercy in my success alone, but let me feel the grasp of God's hand in my failure.
Rabindranath Tagore |
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| been a bit out of touch |
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| 11:01am 23/01/2004 |
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I think that I have finally stopped worrying. Ive kicked Sharn off my email list and blocked her addy, so no more unwanted selfpity trips from her.
Had awful flu this week. Starting to get better tho. |
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immoline's journal
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