immolation

all my bags are packed im ready to go

2004-02-05T08:34:19Z

this is it folks..
and although everything is gonna b fine and nothing bad is going to happen, just in case the hubby from hell decides to off me at the airport,
I think its time I said that its been fun meeting all of you, and that I really had a great time in london, and if anything happens to me (such are the possibilities)I'll at least die with a grin on my face.
till next I get my sweaty little palms on a keyboard...

salanigahle.

(its zulu for 'stay well')

deep breath...

2004-02-04T13:44:57Z

Ok, I can do this..no panicking..deep breath.
IDONTWANNAGOBACK!!!!
course yu do...gorgeous ocean, loving mother and gran and brother(who I might add has just broken up with his so and needs you) new place(AGAIN!!!)
Summer..thats a good enough reason?
BUTIDONTWANNAGOBACK!!
ok, tantrum over..i just needed to do that.
capetowns gonna be amazing, just like london was amazing,and ill be back before i know it.
i dont need to panic.i have no reasons to be afraid of anything.
I am SUPERFI!
deep breath!!

mixed feelings

2004-02-03T12:49:31Z

yeah, I know that I gotta go home again..but wouldnt it be luverly to just traipse off into the distance and not have to bother about stuff ever again?
NOt that Im considering it..just a fleeting indulgent thought.
Packing my bags today...I had to sit on one suitcase to close it. I decided to just toss some stuff instead, opting to ship some of my extra clothes to the charity shop.
Ive worn the same stuff for five months, its a freaking record.If I dont wear blue again for a while, it'll still be too soon.
My siterin law was lingering this morning, I cant believe how well I get along with er, I think that she is one of the best things to ever happen to our family, and my brother loves her soooo much. He's been with her 9 years now, and still lights up with a love sick grin whenever she walks into the room. Im gonna miss these two so much. Theyre like Calvin and Hobbs...
my mom turns sixty on the 12th, its my first wedding anniversary..and sam just emailed me to tell me that she's just finally decided to tell me that she's bi.
Im in awe of her. She only now told me about all the stuff that she was going through when I went into hiding. She was the first person that I called when i got to the safe house, and she was there 100% for me, through the miscarriage, the depression, me cracking up, and not once, did she even allude to her own crises.I knew something was wrong, because she was getting so thin, but I never imagined that she was in such a crazy situation.
Im so lucky to have her in my life.
Im getting all emotional ..its going to be a tough two days.

bloody hell..its cold..

2004-01-31T16:10:15Z

Just got back from Dover, perhaps not the best weather in the world to have chosen to go to the coast, its so windy that we were getting blown away literally..

From Khalil Gibran's Sand and Foam

2004-01-30T13:45:23Z

I AM FOREVER walking upon these shores,
Betwixt the sand and the foam,
The high tide will erase my foot-prints,
And the wind will blow away the foam.
But the sea and the shore will remain
Forever.

Once I filled my hand with mist.
Then I opened it and lo, the mist was a worm.
And I closed and opened my hand again, and behold there was a bird.
And again I closed and opened my hand, and in its hollow stood a man with a sad face, turned upward.
And again I closed my hand, and when I opened it there was naught but mist.
But I heard a song of exceeding sweetness.

It was but yesterday I thought myself a fragment quivering without rhythm in the sphere of life.
Now I know that I am the sphere, and all life in rhythmic fragments moves within me.

They say to me in their awakening, "You and the world you live in are but a grain of sand upon the infinite shore of an infinite sea."
And in my dream I say to them, "I am the infinite sea, and all worlds are but grains of sand upon my shore."

Ok, I may not be feeling jittery,

2004-01-30T11:49:06Z

But I have stopped sleeping.Which means lots of reruns of everything on Tv, and pretending to be asleep so that I can fool my body into thinking it slept.Its my last weekend in London..for a looong while.I know that its gonna take at least a year before I can afford to get my work permit and airfare back, and who knows..by then I may have decided to go to Canada instead.
regardless, next week this time, I shall be looking out over smoggy skies of Johannessberg, waiting for my connecting flight to Cape Town.
I'll arrive there just in time to watch my first atlantic sunset ever..

For Penfi, Aquarius/Cap 2004 forecast

2004-01-30T11:42:31Z

Capricorn forecast for 2004
December 26, 2003
BY GEORGIA NICOLS

(Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
The real you
"No pain, no gain" is your motto. You're ambitious and willing to work for what you want. But you're cautious and careful, as well. You know that a bird in the hand is better than one overhead.
You're thrifty, yet you can spend big when you want to. Security matters to you, so you plan ahead and like to show up early. You want a predictable outcome.
More than any other sign, you understand how the system works. That's because Capricorn rules the government and all pyramid organizations. You stop the buck. (Ever played the game "Bureaucracy"? Everyone stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.)
Without question, your sign ends up sitting around the boardroom table. This is why you care about the impression you create. You want respect, and you take care to look the part to earn it. (You can spot a Louis Vuitton at 10 paces.)
You like the finer things in life, although you can get along with less. You're disciplined, dignified and definitely classy. You agree with Mark Twain, "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
You have a voracious sexual appetite, but you tend to look like you work in the mayor's office. You've got an excellent cover.
Basically, you endorse mainstream values. You want a house with a white picket fence and 2.5 kids. A Mercedes in the driveway would be nice. No scandal. The children will get A's, and none of them will have cavities. This is what you aspire to. However, what many don't know is that you often do the most bizarre things out of the blue. (Truly wacko.)
Security matters a lot to you, and that's why you want respect and money. You're a long-lived sign, so plan for your old age. You'll be extremely youthful when you're old. Capricorns are "old when you're young, and young when you're old."
(When you were a teenager, you were the one who had to buy the beer.)
The past and present
You did yourself proud in the early '80s. Graduation, great job, something good. This was important.
However, around 1986-'88, you began to dismantle and let go of much of what you'd worked for. It was the thing to do. By doing so, you managed to move into something completely fresh and new in 1989-'90. In fact, it was such a new experience, you weren't even sure what image you wanted to project. A different locale or different job prompted the need for a new wardrobe. (You like to fit in. You know that the high nail on the fence gets hammered down.)
Around 1991, you gave a lot of thought to how you should earn your money. This ultimately dictated job changes and residential moves during the mid-'90s. If you look back now, you'll see that the first half of the '90s was when you completely reinvented yourself.
Home purchases or major renovations took place in 1996-'98. You wanted to establish something solid for yourself. About three years ago, you started to work really hard. (And when a Capricorn works hard -- they stir up dust!) At times it was overwhelming, but you persevered. In fact, you didn't just persevere -- you survived!
The year 2004
Right now, you're in a two-year window (2003-2004) where you finally have the opportunity to collect the rewards for your past labors. Somewhere in this time frame, you will be noticed. That's a guarantee. From here on, you'll interact more with your external world. As you do so, you'll become increasingly empowered.
Power and recognition do not come without a price. As your sphere of influence expands in the world, it has a strong impact on all of your relationships. Partners might feel left out. ("What am I, chopped liver?") You prefer to keep your private life separate from your professional life. You don't mix the two groups. Therefore, as your success in the world increases (and it will), it might be at the expense of your personal life.
Travel opportunities for work or pleasure continue for about two years. Chances to enhance your learning or take advanced training are also likely. You're in the perfect position to set yourself up for some serious professional success.
Moneybags Jupiter is now in Virgo, your fellow Earth sign. This boosts health and your general well-being. It definitely blesses you in all financial matters. You'll feel happier about your work, your career and your ability to grow and expand!
More about your future
Since you're a realistic perfectionist (a challenging combo), you know there's no free lunch. Because this is the time in your life where you're going to flex your muscles and expand your realm of influence and activity -- something has to give.
The area that suffers as you move upward and onward could be serious partnerships and relationships. If this happens -- it's because you're changing. You see what you're capable of, you see what you want, and you're going for it.
Late in 2004, lucky Jupiter reaches high noon in your chart. This is a time of expanded opportunities and good luck! Life will super favor you then! It will be obvious enough for others to notice.
You know how to flaunt it -- with understatement. (That's the coolest of all.)
Relationships and romance
You can see by reading above that many of you will have challenges in your closest relationships this year.
The irony is that much of this is triggered by your own growth and ambition. You might literally outgrow your partner. Or your newfound confidence might upset the safe balance that you have.
Some of you, on the other hand, will meet new partners. This is a good time to start a relationship. You'll enter this partnership knowing it's a level playing field. There's a mutual respect and admiration for each other. Not only that, you're becoming bolder and more unconventional in your daily habits. New people in your life will accommodate the changes you're undergoing. You don't have to pretend to be anything other than who you are.
Under that veneer of respectability (and it is a valid veneer as veneers go), you are one hot tamale! They don't call Capricorn the goat for nothing.
Coping with challenges in 2004
Your career is beautifully favored. The only challenges you face are in your personal partnerships (mentioned above).
Relationships that are meant to endure have to make adjustments. Relationships that have outlived their usefulness will end.
Mantra
Popeye was right: "I yam what I yam." And that's just fine.
Just the facts, ma'am
Element: Earth
Ruling planet: Saturn
Quality: Cardinal
Opposite sign: Cancer
Symbol: The mountain goat or the mythical creature who is half goat, half fish
Glyph: The goat above; the fish below
Lucky gem: Turquoise, onyx, green tourmaline
Flower: Poppy
Color: Dark greens and browns
Parts of the body: Bones and teeth
Key phrase: I use.
I like: Tradition, reading, painting, music, punctuality, good manners, money in the bank, solid family life, having influence and power, facts and familiar things
I don't like: Emotional scenes, broken promises, wanton waste, public displays of affection, feeling rushed, being ridiculed, laziness and unruly conduct
Where I shine! Industrious, determined, entertaining, profound, responsible, disciplined, patient, loyal and high-minded
So who's perfect? Austere, withdrawn, avaricious, narrow-minded, pessimistic, forbidding and gloomy
Pithy cliche: Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
December
22 Hector Elizondo, 1936
23 Susan Lucci, 1946
24 Ricky Martin, 1971
25 Jimmy Buffett, 1946
26 Jared Leto, 1971
27 Tovah Feldshuh, 1948
28 Denzel Washington, 1954
29 Mary Tyler Moore, 1936
30 Tiger Woods, 1975
31 Anthony Hopkins, 1937

January
1 J.D. Salinger, 1919
2 Taye Diggs, 1972
3 J. R. R. Tolkien, 1892
4 Michael Stipe, 1960
5 Diane Keaton, 1946
6 Howie Long, 1960
7 Nicolas Cage, 1964
8 Elvis Presley, 1935
9 Dave Matthews, 1967
10 Jim Croce, 1943
11 Mary J. Blige, 1971
12 Kirstie Alley, 1951
13 Orlando Bloom, 1977
14 Faye Dunaway, 1941
15 Martin Luther King Jr., 1929
16 Dian Fossey, 1932
17 Muhammad Ali, 1942
18 Kevin Costner, 1955
19 Dolly Parton, 1946

Aquarius forecast for 2004
December 26, 2003
BY GEORGIA NICOLS

(Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
The real you
You're independent, unconventional and an individualist of the first order. (You unique types are all alike.) For that reason, your sign is hard to spot. But there's one common thread that all Aquarians share -- you have a heartfelt wish to make the world a better place. Your rallying cry is "the greatest good for the greatest number."
For you, planet Earth is truly Marshall McLuhan's Global Village. You have tons of acquaintances because you network, parry and thrust with enormous skill. Yours is the energy that creates organizations like Amnesty International and Greenpeace. You want what's best for everyone. You start petitions, parades and grievances at the drop of a hard hat.
You get what you want because you're brave enough to be unorthodox and avant-garde. You're attracted to new ideas; however, once you make your mind up, you can be downright mulish! This surprises others who see you as a free spirit.
Friendships matter deeply to you. You always defend the underdog. You're modern, cutting edge, and no stranger to technology because all Aquarians are born 50 years ahead of their time.
It's true: the geeks shall inherit the earth (but the e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail).
The past and present
Applause and kudos were yours in 1986-'87. Many of you graduated then. Some of you got married, or landed that job that Dad never thought you could get. Nevertheless, you gave up your way of life around 1989-'90. (And you did so willingly.) You knew this was necessary for the future changes that took place when you entered a new sandbox in 1991.
Relationships were promising then! Others were supportive to you. You were open to the idea of serious commitment. The beginning of that decade marked your first tentative steps to spread your wings and try new things. In 1994-'95, you gave a lot of thought to your value system. What really matters? (You don't want to be 85, looking back at your life with regret.)
Around 1996, you entered a period of uncertainty where job stability and matters at home were up for grabs. Life was a revolving door. As you approached the turn of the century, you knew you had to solidify your home base. Repairs, renovations, and purchases reflected your desire to establish an anchor for yourself in the world. Similarly, major changes in your family dynamic also took place.
By 2001, your creative opportunities began to soar. At first, work was an unbearable struggle, then miraculously it improved impossibly! Since then you've been in the salt mines -- giving it your best -- but feeling that you're finally on track.
Oscar Wilde was right: "It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating."
The year 2004
It's been said that the future is much like the present, only longer. In one respect, that's very true for you because you will continue to work hard in 2004. "These are perilous times for the Federation."
Perhaps it's hard to keep your boss happy. Or it's tough to get recognition for what you do. At times, everything seems overwhelming (even threatening to your health). However, it's not pointless, chain-gang stuff, even though it feels that way. The work you're doing now is demanding -- but this is a time of preparation.
Your effectiveness as a human being is being tested. Fortunately, you can be stubborn. (Oh yeah.) Plus you're wily and clever. (You people are rocket scientists.) But what really saves your buns this year is that others are going to be extremely helpful to you. Organizations and individuals give you financial, practical, emotional and psychological support.
Keep a smile on your face and your pockets open.
More about your future
The other reason you must hang in there is because your rewards are very close at hand. In 2005, (possibly 2006), all this hard work pays off! You're no longer behind the eight ball. You're out and running. This will feel like sweet release.
In truth, you'll still be working hard, but it will be rewarding and fulfilling. Opportunities for increased education, advanced learning, travel (both business and pleasure) and chances to promote yourself in the publishing field begin to materialize late in 2004. These same opportunities really blossom in 2005! By then, the salt mines are just a memory.
This is a great year to get a loan or a mortgage. People and institutions are supportive. Although you're sometimes obstinate, you're flexible, intuitive, and light on your feet. This is your saving grace! You're not that rigid tree that is the first to be snapped in the wind. Oh no -- you go with the flow.
Relationships and romance
It's hard to focus on close relationships when you're overwhelmed by work. (Fatigue and sex are a bad combo.) Nevertheless, the same astrological quality that encourages others to help you now -- also revs up your sexual desires! This means you're working hard and you're playing hard. (You want some sizzle with your steak.)
Frankly, your gonads are in overdrive this year. You feel passionate, sexy and alive! Not only that, fortunate changes take place to make your world richer and more rewarding. Some of these changes naturally affect your relationships. When you feel you're effective in the world, you're also effective in your personal life.
With Neptune in your sign, you're changing your ways of interacting with others. This is confusing for those who are close to you. Just keep your arms open. It isn't love until you give it away.
Coping with challenges in 2004
The challenges you face in 2004 are not obstacles. They're opportunities. But nothing is so irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.
In the West, we see laziness as sloth. But Eastern thought identifies laziness as the false notion that you cannot do something. It's the state of mind that gives up before it begins. This will be your foe this year. Of course, you don't have to conquer the world. (Rome wasn't built in a day. In fact, I hear they're still working on it.) You just have to do your best in whatever you do -- because why do less?
What we see depends upon what we're looking for.
Mantra
Most people on the planet would trade lives with me in a heartbeat.
Just the facts, ma'am
Element: Air
Ruling planet: Uranus
Quality: Fixed
Opposite sign: Leo
Symbol: The water barrier
Glyph: The waves of air, electricity and sound
Lucky gem: Amethyst, turquoise, quartz crystal
Flower: Daffodil, violet
Color: Electric blue, glow-in-the dark shade and plaids
Parts of the body: Ankles
Key phrase: I know.
I like: Gadgets, planes, new inventions, books, experiments, traveling, prizes, equal rights, groups cooperating together, liberty and truth
I don't like: Corruption, quarrels, personal remarks, patronizing behavior, exploitation, feeling bullied or cornered and injustice
Where I shine! Fair-minded, intellectual, philanthropic, inventive, refreshing, perceptive, truthful, progressive and friendly
So who's perfect? Stubborn, perverse, remote, reclusive, overly sensitive, absentminded, distrustful, long-winded and rebellious
Pithy cliche: Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
January
20 Bill Maher, 1956
21 Jack Nicklaus, 1940
22 Diane Lane, 1965
23 Mariska Hargitay, 1964
24 Neil Diamond, 1941
25 Virginia Woolf, 1882
26 Wayne Gretzky, 1961
27 Lewis Carroll, 1832
28 Elijah Wood, 1981
29 Oprah Winfrey, 1954
30 Phil Collins, 1951
31 Justin Timberlake, 1981

February
1 Lisa Marie Presley, 1968
2 Christie Brinkley, 1954
3 Blythe Danner, 1943
4 Rosa Parks, 1913
5 Jennifer Jason Leigh, 1962
6 Ronald Reagan, 1911
7 James Spader, 1960
8 Nick Nolte, 1940
9 Zhang Ziyi, 1980
10 Robert Wagner, 1930
11 Jennifer Aniston, 1969
12 Christina Ricci, 1980
13 George Segal, 1934
14 Gregory Hines, 1946
15 Matt Groening, 1954
16 James Ingram, 1956
17 Michael Jordan, 1963
18 Toni Morrison, 1931
LUCKY DAYS: Jan. 21, 22 Feb. 17, 18 Mar. 16, 17 April 12, 13 May 9, 10, 11 June 6, 7 July 3, 4, 31 Aug. 1, 27, 28 Sept. 23, 24 Oct. 20, 21 Nov. 17, 18 Dec. 14, 15

immoline @ 2004-01-29T15:42:00

2004-01-29T15:45:05Z

I have exactly a week till I fly home. Why am I not feeling panicky, fidgity, and anxious?
Why did I just check my soon to be ex-husband's horoscope?
Why can't I remember what my Mom looks like?
Ah, lifes big questions..... (muse..)

immoline @ 2004-01-29T13:17:00

2004-01-29T13:19:13Z

I had the most awful dream last night. Of people hanging from meathooks, and being disemboweled.
No more Buffy, Angel, Jack the Ripper specials, and Gothica.
And no more cheese and pickle combo's before bed.

immoline @ 2004-01-28T20:35:00

2004-01-28T20:40:43Z

Ive got to stop watching Everwood.
It reminds me of my dad, evil bastard that he is, and also reminds me that perhaps in all my youthful exhuberance, I was too hard on him, and never took the time to get to know him. Perhaps I'm getting soft. I don't even like him. I don't miss him. I really don't want to spen time around him. I think watching Ephram getting to know Andy is just getting to me, because Andy is doing what my Dad never did. There are too many unanswered questions, too any times when instead of facing us like a man, he turned and walked away, preferring the more pleasant company of other people's kids.
Watching E today, brought it home with a resounding thump. I'm still very angry with him, and I still want answers. I guess we cant always get what we want.I'll have to reconcile myself to that somehow, knowing that the moment has passed, and I have to cauterize the wound and move on.

snow again

2004-01-28T17:51:26Z

its snowing fast and heavy!!!!lots of it..gotta go to the park in the morning..

immoline @ 2004-01-28T16:55:00

2004-01-28T17:00:49Z

I dreamed of my dad last night. It odd, i havent given him much thought in the last few months, as though he doesnt exist anymore. I wonder if Ive finally forgiven myself for being his daughter?
In the dream, I was still as careless of him as I usually am, and it was a hollow feeling. Like nobody's victory.I am glad that I will never need to see him ever again. I think that he is evil.
so many endings... I have made my peace with them all now. He was the last one.
Im ready to face home again.

Snow!!!

2004-01-28T12:41:08Z

yay, 'an for a whole three minutes too...I watched a fox walk carefully along the neighbours back wall, and thought..OMG! what a kodak moment, lemme go get the camera....only I was so enchanted by the little fuzzy bits flying all over the place and the oh so english fox traipsing along the old brick wall(quaint or what?) that I stuck around long enough to watch the fox take a crap on that pretty brick wall.
that was just so a Fi moment...!! reminds me that most of my kodack moments have been taking the crap out of life anyway..
Good news though..I can breathe today!! No tight chest, no gasping, Oh joy!!

another day, another cup of ginger tea

2004-01-27T12:33:49Z

Fave discriptive word for ginger tea...eeeuuuww!
I feel Baaaad. and lazy, and miserable.Physically at least.
Mentally Im raring to go.spirit willing body weak or summat to that effect anyway. oh and jenny is back on good food live.yay!What will I do without daytime Tv I wonder...?
I gotta figure ou a diet without dairy in it..
any suggestions? Apparantly dairy is bad for asthmatics..so i figured Id try that for a while and see if it helped.

i just got a call

2004-01-26T19:22:03Z

theres this guy..
an old friend..........
who has this thing for me..............
Im just so not ready to face this right now, and I dont want to crush him either...I told him that the people who love me are usually very stupid, because i harm them more than they know..but he doesnt want to listen...........Im not even divorced yet!!!!!!!
why do I keep finding these phychos?
what is wrong with them?

times running out

2004-01-26T12:57:24Z

another week closer to going home. I fly out next Thursday...!So in true Fi form, I had to get sick just before I leave so there will be no last blast party before I leave...Flipping annoying.
My asthma is worse than ever, and it hurts to breathe, and it also means no long jaunts around for a bit.I hate it, getting out of breath just getting out of bed.
On the other hand Im so excited to be going back.
I know that its going to be different, and although I will never be a capetonian at heart,at least its my home country.
My mom says that I will have to go the regional court in Durban to finalise my divorce application. God willing it will be the closest that I ever have to get to home ever again.Ive decided that nothing is ever going to make me afraid ever again.Not HIM, not anything that life tosses my way.Ive found my peace with the world again, and I wont lose that if I face my fear.
So its a new beginning. And after that, Ill draw straws, and decide where to go to next...The world is a large and exciting destination...

A prayer

2004-01-23T11:07:00Z

Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them.
Let me not beg for te stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it,
Let me not look for allies in life's battlefield, but to my own strength.
Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved, but hope for the patience to win my freedom.
Grant that I may not be a coward, feeling a greater mercy in my success alone, but let me feel the grasp of God's hand in my failure.
Rabindranath Tagore

been a bit out of touch

2004-01-23T11:03:18Z

I think that I have finally stopped worrying. Ive kicked Sharn off my email list and blocked her addy, so no more unwanted selfpity trips from her.
Had awful flu this week. Starting to get better tho.

Sharn...urgh

2004-01-14T12:47:23Z

Dunno why I try..
She sends me back this snotty mail saying that Im being sarcastic and trying to compare losses? I should have listened to my head and told her to eff off at the start..but no point in moaning now.
I just dont know why I bother..and its not just her..Ive managed to find only people who cling and need and want. Im sick of it.
I got my second rejection letter yesterday..not too acid..just one of those, sorry, dont think its my scene kind of letters.
Doesnt matter anymore. I just dont care if anything happens now.
I got two texts from my husband.
one said, 'why arent you happy now?'
the other said 'come back to the one who loves you most in the world.'
if he loves me most in the world, and he loves me enough to want to destroy me then I have not cultivated much love for being here have I ?How can I be happy when all I want is to go back to him, but I know that to go back is to accept death? But without the other half of my soul, I am near dead already. Is there a point to me going on anymore?

Sharn...urgh

2004-01-14T12:44:33Z

fwuffy bunnies or what sort of fluffy bunny pagan are you?

2004-01-10T16:20:03Z

Not only are you not fluffy, but you positively
delight in scaring the fluffies. Now that's not
very nice, is it ;-)

THE Fluffy Bunny Pagan Test!
brought to you by Quizilla

Sharn

2004-01-10T12:41:54Z

So I mail her wih the whole sympathy shpiel, and I get a reply today,
She wrote: Someday Ill show you pics of my son.
What bullshit is that?When I arrived in London, two other well meaning friends sent me pics of their Healthy children and it depressed me no end, and now she wants to show me pics of a Dead child?
Whats she trying to do? Get me to kill myself?
I lost my baby too. I know how it hurts..but millions of women watch their children die every year, unborn and otherwise, its just the course of nature...you dont go around with a picture of your dead kid in your wallet and show it at dinner parties? Im sad for her, but thats about it..i replied that I was moving to Panama and was unlikely to get to see the pics..
Its my fault for mailing her in the first place..I keep finding these proffessional martyres.

pinch

2004-01-10T12:34:50Z

Im trying to figure out if Im still alive or just caught in some sort of pre gates of hell dream.
Or if I am just losing my marbles one at a time.

In my head..its just in my head

2004-01-09T14:18:52Z

on the plus side, Im having a mental rest....in a little bubble, where nothing can touch me...I need to finish my ms, and I cant get going. Im already skipping ahead to another title for the prequel: called 'The Tin God.'
I desperatley need peace and quiet, but I cant shut up the noise in my head. Everything is just so LOUD. No, I dont hear voices...its just that its like all the white noise that hits you like sheets of rain in a storm? I still can't sleep...Ive been averaging an hour a night..at best.I shoulda signed up for shattered, woulda walked it at this rate. I packed my bag yesterday, leaving just a few things out for the next three weeks. It seems so final. Im sad to be leaving, London has been good to me.

immoline @ 2004-01-08T15:17:00

2004-01-08T15:20:12Z

Sharn just texted me to give me her email addy. So I sent an email to her;I am a slut...cant help myself.I promise not to rekindle distructive relationships and then I fall right back into old patterns.But hey, at least Im alive, and the sun shone for a whole twenty minutes today? Right?